On board with ... oh wait while I finish what I'm doing, which is more important than anything you could possibly say to me

I am, indescribably, consistently surprised by the self-absorption of New Yorkers. Everyday someone will sneak through a closing door in front of me without pushing it open behind them, leaving me to walk into a closed door. Or someone will sit on the train beside me and proceed to call everyone in their address book and talk loudly about inane things that would make even the most Prozaked person on earth go on a three-state killing spree.

Today's example came on the subway ride after work. A gentleman was sitting in the middle of the bench, typing away on his iPhone (nothing wrong with that!), with a bag sitting on the seat next to him and his oversized, extendable-pull-handled briefcase resting on the ground next to him, sticking out further than his legs so as to block anyone from sitting near it. This man, in other words, was taking up more than half of the bench, as people filed into the car, walked by, and were forced to stand in front of him. The man sitting next to him (and I use the word "next" as I would in the sense that "Pluto is next to Neptune ... with millions of miles to spare") actually hugged himself into a tight ball so a woman could sit down, and all the while Mr. Oblivious looked down at his iPhone, probably writing a congratulatory note to himself for an excellent presentation at work today:

"You absolutely rocked that PowerPoint today, Greggors. I could hear that woman at the end of the table, her knees quaking under the weight of her desire to rip my clothes off and throw me on the floor of the boardroom. What a sight that would have been! I only hope she allowed me to shut down my computer first ... I was running on battery power and, more importantly, the porn I had been looking at earlier was still open (but minimized!) I would probably want to take my tie off, fold it up, and neatly place it on the table, as well. But after that, the passion would have been HOT. Also, my boss seemed to like it. You go, Greggory!"

This is probably the same guy you saw at the movie theater last weekend, the one who had his coat laying in the seat next to him, his feet on the seat in front of him, wearing the stovepipe hat and talking on his iPhone during the bloody climax. Luckily, I didn't see a wedding ring on his left hand, so we can only hope that the man has not spread his seed because the last thing this world needs are his spawn crawling around, doing the Dark Lord's bidding.