Four rules for choosing a seat on the train

I often wonder how people choose their seats on the train. I have a few rules which I live by:

1) Avoid fat people. I hate to rag on the obese again, but it makes perfect sense: large people take up more of the seat, leaving less for those who sit with them.

2) Avoid people with pens outs. I have a paralyzing fear of being written on by a neighbor who is waving a pen around next to me. This has happened to me before. At a school board meeting in Hillsborough, way back when I was with The News of Orange County, a reporter from a rival newspaper, writing furiously on the pad in her lap, wrote so long and hard she did not realize that her pen had reached the edge of the paper and moved onto my left leg. This was my favorite pair of pants, please remember, and I was distraught. The boring people in the meeting were talking about school lunches or how better to embezzle money (I have since forgotten, overcome with remorse) but all I could think about was what do to with my pants. I eventually decided to take them off, run to the bathroom, soak them in water in the sink, return to the meeting in my skives, and rock back and forth muttering, "I miss my pants. Definitely miss my pants." Long story ... um ended ... I fear that people writing on the train will repeat this dark episode of my life.

3) Do not sit near the door. For some reason, people - who have paid a fair amount of money for their seats - enjoy standing up well before they reach their station and standing in a line, rocking back and forth, as the train slowly brakes and then stops. Inevitably, these people will hit you in the head more than once. So sitting nearer the middle of the car lessens the chance that people will be standing near you.

4) Do not sit near teenagers or people traveling in groups. Everyday commuters are quiet throughout their rides. These people are severely beaten down by capitalism, and the harsh reality of working so long for so little leaves them depressed and silently rethinking their life choices. In other words, a commute is typically quiet. However, there are sometimes people - usually these are students - who talk very loudly. These people are annoying. These people make the rest of us even more depressed. I hate these people.

There are probably more rules, but I've managed to talk myself into a deep sadness and must lay down and rethink everything in my life.